Cause and Effect

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Its not your fault, it is your responsibility

It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.

Why life often doesn’t feel like it’s really yours

Imagine this: you start the day energized, focused, and in a good mood. You get to work, and your colleague makes a snide remark in passing — or rolls their eyes just as you start presenting your idea. And suddenly, your mood shifts. Just like that, the day feels different.

Suddenly, you’re reacting. To everything. You feel like a pinball bouncing around inside a machine that you can’t control.

In my trainings, I often describe this dynamic as:

“Because of what you do, I don’t feel good. So I want you to change your behavior, so that I can feel better.”

In that moment, you’ve just handed someone else all the power over your inner world. Because, what if they don’t change?

There’s a way out of this — and it starts with one simple principle:

Cause and Effect.

Cause and Effect

From an early age, we’re taught to focus on the consequences of what happens to us. But that’s like cutting weeds above the ground and hoping they won’t grow back. You might feel better for a moment, but the root cause is still there.

It’s far more effective to focus on the cause behind what’s happening — and shift something there, so you gain influence over the outcome. That’s what this core NLP principle is about: Cause and Effect.

Standing at cause means taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life. The idea is: nothing happens to you — everything in your life, you’ve created consciously or unconsciously. And always with a positive intention.

“Life happens for you, not to you.” — Tony Robbins

When you’re at the effect side, you wait for someone else to act before you can feel good. You keep handing over control, hoping it comes back. That’s a long, tiring road.

Being at cause is different. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being in charge and decisive about what you choose, feel, think, and do.

The difference between blame and responsibility

When I tell people they’re responsible for everything in their lives, they sometimes say:

“So, it’s all my fault?”

That’s where the difference between blame and responsibility becomes crucial.

  • Blame looks at the past. It invites passivity.

“I did it wrong, and now it’s too late.”

  • Responsibility looks at the future. It invites action.

“I made the best decision I could with all available knowledge and resources at the time.”

Blame makes victims. Responsibility creates leaders — not because they always get it right, but because they keep choosing, learning, and leading their own lives with responsibility and integrity.

You can’t always influence what happens around you. You don’t have to agree with what happened. You don’t have to like it.
But you do get to decide what you do with it. And that’s where your power lies.

Examples: Cause vs. Effect

At the effect side:

  • He makes me angry.
  • Because of her, I feel insecure.
  • My employer doesn’t pay me enough.
  • My partner treats me badly.
  • This rainy weather makes me feel low.

At the cause side:

  • I feel angry — and that’s on me to explore, not on them to fix.
  • I notice I feel insecure — and I’m curious what that’s really about.
  • I’m choosing to stay in this job — is it time to reconsider?
  • I’m staying in this relationship — so what’s the deeper reason I’m choosing this?
  • It’s raining, and I decide how that makes me feel.

As Wayne Dyer once said: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” That’s what happens when you step into cause.

Back at the helm

You don’t have to know it all before you move. What matters is your willingness to take the next step, and own it.

Make the best decision you can with what you know now. Later, you’ll have more insight — and that’s part of the process. That’s how you grow.

The moment you decide to live at cause, true leadership begins — in your work, your relationships, and your own life.

The moment you take responsibility, your life becomes yours again.

Curious how to apply this in practice, even when it gets tough?
Read my blog on the TOTE model — where I show you how to use this principle to feel good every day, no matter the circumstances.

Got a question or something you’d like to share? DM me on Instagram or Email me directly: theo@limitless-coaching.nl.

TOTE model Hacked

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After 65 years of faithful service, the classic TOTE model — originally designed to explain behavioral strategies — can finally retire.
Discover the one shift that puts you back in charge of how you feel — anytime, anywhere.

Think you know TOTE? Think again.

Did the TOTE-model confuse you when you first learned it in your NLP practitioner training? Did it feel abstract, dull, or even unimportant? Same here. Until, after years of training others, I had a breakthrough. An insight that flipped the whole model on its head — and changed everything.

What is the TOTE model?

The classic TOTE model (Test-Operate-Test-Exit) was introduced in 1960 by George Miller, Eugene Galanter, and Karl Pribram in their book Plans and the Structure of Behavior. The model includes four steps:

Test – You assess the current situation against your desired outcome.

Operate – You take action.

Test – You check again: am I there yet?

Exit – You stop once the desired result is achieved.

In many NLP trainings, the focus lies on adjusting the Operate step if something doesn’t work. Some trainers have also discovered that the Exit actually has two outcomes: a positive feeling (K+) or a negative or unresolved emotional response (K-).

What often remains overlooked is that you can also adjust your initial Test (your expectations), or reframe the second Test — so you still reach a satisfying result. That’s where the model becomes far more powerful than it’s usually taught.

What’s new?

When I first learned NLP, I was taught two ways to create change: adjust your expectations (first Test), or change your behavior (Operate). What I discovered later is that you can also reframe the second Test — and even flip the entire model.

By defining your Exit in advance and placing it fully within your own circle of influence, the TOTE model becomes radically more effective.

More on that later.

So now the original model offers three leverage points:

  • Adjust your expectations (first Test)
  • Change your Operate (behavior or environment)
  • Reframe your interpretation of what happened (second Test)

That’s where the model becomes much more dynamic and applicable.

And that realization was just the beginning.

The hack

The real power emerges when you flip the model. You start with the Exit: define up front what your desired outcome is — your K+. With that outcome in mind: what can you do to get there?

This only works if you’re fully committing to being the cause of your life — one of NLP’s core presuppositions. It means you take complete responsibility for your internal world and your experiences.

To truly take charge of your internal experience, start by asking yourself this simple but powerful question:

“What can I do, so that by the end of this process I feel good — no matter what happens externally?”

That’s how you lock in your Exit (K+) within your own influence.

A real-world example

Let’s say I share a story during a training session with ten people. One person gets angry, another feels inspired, and someone else is moved to tears. Ten people, ten different reactions. Same story, different inner worlds.

If I were to let their reactions dictate how I feel, I would let them decide whether I had good day or not.

So what can I do to make sure I decide how I feel? Well, I can: make sure I speak from the heart, with passion and presence. I can stay grounded, tuned in, and flexible with whatever shows up. That’s what I do control. And when I use that as my measure of success, I work towards my own outcome: K+.

It’s like a math equation: as long as you use the same numbers and symbols, you get the same result. If you want a different outcome, you need to change the formula — and you can. And if you define your desired outcome in advance — say, 40 — you can consciously adjust your inputs to reach it.

It works exactly the same with behavior and expectations.

Your daily K+

From now on, you define your K+. Ask yourself this question each day:

What can I do today to make sure I feel good by the end of it?

You don’t have to rely on the world in order to feel good, ever again. This changes how you set goals, how you build relationships, how you lead, how you communicate — everything.

Curious to explore this further — or talk about how to apply it in your personal or professional life?
Follow me on Instagram or reach out via email: theo@limitless-coaching.nl

© 2025 Theo Steneker & Gerrit de Haan
With deep appreciation for the shared insight that formed the foundation of this development.
Limitless Training & Coaching | Uptime Training & Coaching
www.limitless-coaching.nl | www.uptimesense.nl
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