Its not your fault, it is your responsibility

It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.

Why life often doesn’t feel like it’s really yours

Imagine this: you start the day energized, focused, and in a good mood. You get to work, and your colleague makes a snide remark in passing — or rolls their eyes just as you start presenting your idea. And suddenly, your mood shifts. Just like that, the day feels different.

Suddenly, you’re reacting. To everything. You feel like a pinball bouncing around inside a machine that you can’t control.

In my trainings, I often describe this dynamic as:

“Because of what you do, I don’t feel good. So I want you to change your behavior, so that I can feel better.”

In that moment, you’ve just handed someone else all the power over your inner world. Because, what if they don’t change?

There’s a way out of this — and it starts with one simple principle:

Cause and Effect.

Cause and Effect

From an early age, we’re taught to focus on the consequences of what happens to us. But that’s like cutting weeds above the ground and hoping they won’t grow back. You might feel better for a moment, but the root cause is still there.

It’s far more effective to focus on the cause behind what’s happening — and shift something there, so you gain influence over the outcome. That’s what this core NLP principle is about: Cause and Effect.

Standing at cause means taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life. The idea is: nothing happens to you — everything in your life, you’ve created consciously or unconsciously. And always with a positive intention.

“Life happens for you, not to you.” — Tony Robbins

When you’re at the effect side, you wait for someone else to act before you can feel good. You keep handing over control, hoping it comes back. That’s a long, tiring road.

Being at cause is different. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being in charge and decisive about what you choose, feel, think, and do.

The difference between blame and responsibility

When I tell people they’re responsible for everything in their lives, they sometimes say:

“So, it’s all my fault?”

That’s where the difference between blame and responsibility becomes crucial.

• Blame looks at the past. It invites passivity.

“I did it wrong, and now it’s too late.”

• Responsibility looks at the future. It invites action.

“I made the best decision I could with all available knowledge and resources at the time.”

Blame makes victims. Responsibility creates leaders — not because they always get it right, but because they keep choosing, learning, and leading their own lives with responsibility and integrity.

You can’t always influence what happens around you. You don’t have to agree with what happened. You don’t have to like it.
But you do get to decide what you do with it. And that’s where your power lies.

Examples: Cause vs. Effect

At the effect side:

• He makes me angry.
• Because of her, I feel insecure.
• My employer doesn’t pay me enough.
• My partner treats me badly.
• This rainy weather makes me feel low.

At the cause side:

• I feel angry — and that’s on me to explore, not on them to fix.
• I notice I feel insecure — and I’m curious what that’s really about.
• I’m choosing to stay in this job — is it time to reconsider?
• I’m staying in this relationship — so what’s the deeper reason I’m choosing this?
• It’s raining, and I decide how that makes me feel.

As Wayne Dyer once said: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” That’s what happens when you step into cause.

Back at the helm

You don’t have to know it all before you move. What matters is your willingness to take the next step, and own it.

Make the best decision you can with what you know now. Later, you’ll have more insight — and that’s part of the process. That’s how you grow.

The moment you decide to live at cause, true leadership begins — in your work, your relationships, and your own life.

The moment you take responsibility, your life becomes yours again.

Curious how to apply this in practice, even when it gets tough?
Read my blog on the TOTE model — where I show you how to use this principle to feel good every day, no matter the circumstances.

Got a question or something you’d like to share? DM me on Instagram or Email me directly: theo@limitless-coaching.nl.